I'm compelled to call it "terrible," but seeing as I'm nestled in a plush leather recliner listening to the prattling of the rain against the surface of the pool in my parents' backyard, I had best shut my mouth. Life isn't terrible. Waiting for my future is.
Hard as it may be to admit, I'm already discouraged. Undergrad taught me to be hopeful and, having already forsaken that hope, I feel badly. It's a classic Charissa move, though, to be so hard on myself--to feel like a total waste of space for not having a job nine days after graduation.
I think I thought this would be easier. Maybe not that it would be easier, but that I wouldn't be so afraid. The fear that looms over me like a starved grizzly proves me dead wrong.
I thought it would be simple: an employer will see my heart, they will know what a determined, passionate, and teachable worker I am and they will hire me on the spot. The truth of the matter is, they don't see your heart. They see you reduced to a measly few lines of dates and places. That's it. No heart, no soul. Just some words.
And I feel inadequate. I don't measure up to the 5 years experience or 3 major titles every company seems to be looking for. I don't and I can't until someone takes a chance on me. More than my own disappointment in self, I'm disappointed about what my experience will mean for others. I have been striving to be that example kids can give their parents to show them it's not a waste to go to school for art--that there are jobs and the market is good. I can't stand to let them down and it feels like time is running out. Maybe that's why anxiety is coursing through me in a way it hasn't in a while.
So at this moment, yes I am discouraged. It won't last. I know that. But waiting is hard and silence is harder.